Fri June 12
The only way I can describe the feeling of tackling this disease is that it feels like entering a tunnel. You can see through the tunnel and communicate with others outside the tunnel but you definitely cannot get out of the tunnel until you reach the other end.... and you can't really see the other end... and you can't really see that far in front of you. You just have to keep walking through the tunnel.... step by step.....not exactly knowing what is ahead of you..... until you reach the other end. And you hope with every cell in your body that you will emerge from the tunnel with your feet planted firmly on the top of the planet and that you will enjoy many more years walking on top of the planet.
The Tunnel:
It's scary and lonely and painful.
It focuses your attention on healing and treatment options.
It helps you let go of anything that is not helping you get better.
It forces you to make healthy choices.
It narrows your vision so that sometimes you can only see the beauty in things.
It makes you appreciate every good thing you have with a love so strong that your heart hurts.
The first stop in my treatment tunnel was the pink bubble. When I entered the breast cancer center at the PAMF I felt like I just entered a welcoming pink bubble! The intake nurse was so softspoken and kind and helpful in explaining all the treatment steps that I would likely be going through. She explained that she was always available for assistance and advice and that they also had a social worker, nutritional counselor, and financial counselor available free of charge to the patients in the center.
I made an appointment with the social worker to help me bust through claustrophobia in order to be able to endure an hour in the MRI. I *really* need to have this exam so I *really* need to figure out how to not freak out in the MRI machine.
We then made appts with the surgeon, plastic surgon and oncologist.
I'm officially IN the tunnel.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
The Diagnosis.....
Thurs June 11
I will always remember this date.
In radiology, they said it could take up to 3 business days to get the pathology report.... but that it was likely to be available by Friday, end of day. I called my doctor to give him my cell phone number and found out that he was gone until Monday. What? I can only get the path results from my doctor and he was gone on a long weekend? The overworked nurse for his backup Dr didn't seem too interested in helping me get my path results either - Boy was I steamed. I was beside myself!
A little voice inside said " get to the inside.... "
The biopsy triggered an extremely painful lymph node response so I called radiology to report that and just verify that it was normal. The radiology folks definitely did not think this was normal and so booked an appt for me that afternoon with whichever doctor had an opening to squeeze me in.
I arrived at my appointment and, luckily, was assigned to an extremely compassionate Dr. (I will likely switch to her since she was so kind and helpful) I started to describe my symptoms and she sat down and in the kindest voice ever asked....."Have you seen the pathology report yet?"
Shocked, I said no, nobody told me it was ready. She went to the computer, opened the file for me , and stepped back so I could read it. I burst into tears.... I had suspected this was coming but it was so final, so real, and so lifechanging to read the diagnosis from the pathology report:
Oh Crap!Oh Crap!Oh Crap!
The Dr was so kind - she immediately ordered an appt with the breast cancer center intake nurse for friday and put in an order so that I could meet with the breast cancer surgeon ASAP. I was officially entering the treatment tunnel.
I will always remember this date.
In radiology, they said it could take up to 3 business days to get the pathology report.... but that it was likely to be available by Friday, end of day. I called my doctor to give him my cell phone number and found out that he was gone until Monday. What? I can only get the path results from my doctor and he was gone on a long weekend? The overworked nurse for his backup Dr didn't seem too interested in helping me get my path results either - Boy was I steamed. I was beside myself!
A little voice inside said " get to the inside.... "
The biopsy triggered an extremely painful lymph node response so I called radiology to report that and just verify that it was normal. The radiology folks definitely did not think this was normal and so booked an appt for me that afternoon with whichever doctor had an opening to squeeze me in.
I arrived at my appointment and, luckily, was assigned to an extremely compassionate Dr. (I will likely switch to her since she was so kind and helpful) I started to describe my symptoms and she sat down and in the kindest voice ever asked....."Have you seen the pathology report yet?"
Shocked, I said no, nobody told me it was ready. She went to the computer, opened the file for me , and stepped back so I could read it. I burst into tears.... I had suspected this was coming but it was so final, so real, and so lifechanging to read the diagnosis from the pathology report:
INFILTRATING LOBULAR CARCINOMA
Oh Crap!Oh Crap!Oh Crap!
The Dr was so kind - she immediately ordered an appt with the breast cancer center intake nurse for friday and put in an order so that I could meet with the breast cancer surgeon ASAP. I was officially entering the treatment tunnel.
Is that an ice pack in your bra or are you happy to see me?
Wed June 10
Biopsy day. They prepared me for a 2 hr time slot so I was really happy to have it over in about 20 min. I had an ultrasound guided large core breast biopsy - it was actually pretty impressive to see how exact they can get the needle into the mass. I have heard stories about biopsies missing the mark ( those sneaky tumors and lymph nodes like to slip out of the way) and so the ultrasound guided technique seems to be more exact... and quick to boot.
After the biopsy, they place a large square ice pack in your bra that needs to stay there for an hour. So, I had some errands to run and in the midst of it totally forgot about the ice pack. I went into Peets to get a coffee and I had that feeling that everyone was looking at me funny and snickering on the inside. Oh well... I probably had biopsy hair ... or something.
It was only when I got home and looked in the mirror that I saw what looked like a giant 4-nippled breast staring at me! The four corners of the ice pack were sticking straight out - I just could not stop laughing out loud!
Biopsy day. They prepared me for a 2 hr time slot so I was really happy to have it over in about 20 min. I had an ultrasound guided large core breast biopsy - it was actually pretty impressive to see how exact they can get the needle into the mass. I have heard stories about biopsies missing the mark ( those sneaky tumors and lymph nodes like to slip out of the way) and so the ultrasound guided technique seems to be more exact... and quick to boot.
After the biopsy, they place a large square ice pack in your bra that needs to stay there for an hour. So, I had some errands to run and in the midst of it totally forgot about the ice pack. I went into Peets to get a coffee and I had that feeling that everyone was looking at me funny and snickering on the inside. Oh well... I probably had biopsy hair ... or something.
It was only when I got home and looked in the mirror that I saw what looked like a giant 4-nippled breast staring at me! The four corners of the ice pack were sticking straight out - I just could not stop laughing out loud!
Friday, June 19, 2009
How did I get here?
Wed June 3
Ow, what’s that under my arm…. That hurts!
Maybe I should check my breast …..
Oh my, that feels really different
Nurse, I’d like to make an appointment
Thurs June 4
Hi Doc, Can you feel this? It feels really different.
Oh, don't worry about that, it’s just a cyst. It’s a big one… but it doesn’t feel like cancer.
Still I’d like a Mammo as soon as possible.
[ I proceeded to have a ridiculously fun weekend (thinking I just had a cyst) ! At first I was annoyed with my doctor for being "wrong" but I have such fun memories of this last weekend B.C. that I now look at it as a blessing! The birthday cake/cactus scene will be with me forever to provide amusement and the wines that I got to try over the weekend and the time with friends were so delightful. ]
Tues June 9
In Radiology, Mammo completed but…
We’d like to send you right over to ultrasound…. Its just across the hall.
That’s not a cyst is it? …..
No, it’s not a cyst….. it’s a mass…… in fact it’s three masses.
You mean cancer?
We’ll need to take a biopsy. Do you have any questions?
No.......I’m just scared.
We'll help you get started - you'll get it taken car of. How does 9:30 tomorrow morning work for the biopsy?
Perfect
Ow, what’s that under my arm…. That hurts!
Maybe I should check my breast …..
Oh my, that feels really different
Nurse, I’d like to make an appointment
Thurs June 4
Hi Doc, Can you feel this? It feels really different.
Oh, don't worry about that, it’s just a cyst. It’s a big one… but it doesn’t feel like cancer.
Still I’d like a Mammo as soon as possible.
[ I proceeded to have a ridiculously fun weekend (thinking I just had a cyst) ! At first I was annoyed with my doctor for being "wrong" but I have such fun memories of this last weekend B.C. that I now look at it as a blessing! The birthday cake/cactus scene will be with me forever to provide amusement and the wines that I got to try over the weekend and the time with friends were so delightful. ]
Tues June 9
In Radiology, Mammo completed but…
We’d like to send you right over to ultrasound…. Its just across the hall.
That’s not a cyst is it? …..
No, it’s not a cyst….. it’s a mass…… in fact it’s three masses.
You mean cancer?
We’ll need to take a biopsy. Do you have any questions?
No.......I’m just scared.
We'll help you get started - you'll get it taken car of. How does 9:30 tomorrow morning work for the biopsy?
Perfect
The C-Train
The C-Train
Hey you! Conductor! Is the C-train? I didn’t buy a ticket on the C-Train!! I bought a ticket on the A-train. You gotta let me off! Now!
I’ve heard about this train, man. I hear some people never get off once they go into the tunnel . You gotta let me off now … the tunnel’s coming up. Let me off!
Sorry Ma’am …. Once you are on the C-train you gotta go through the tunnel. You can get off at the other end. Yes, it’s true some people don’t get off… but most people do get to the other side. You gotta keep that in mind. I hear it’s real pretty at the other end, too. I’ve heard some folks say it’s even prettier than the view from the A- train… something about getting a different perspective, a different viewpoint.
But I didn’t buy a ticket on this train! I didn’t choose this! I wanna go back to the A train!
Ma’am … no one ever chooses the C-train. You just get “re-directed” . I don’t know how it works, just some folks get re-directed on the C-train, some don’t. Sorry there’s no way off the train…. You gotta just go through the tunnel and be strong!!
Oh Drat!
Hey you! Conductor! Is the C-train? I didn’t buy a ticket on the C-Train!! I bought a ticket on the A-train. You gotta let me off! Now!
I’ve heard about this train, man. I hear some people never get off once they go into the tunnel . You gotta let me off now … the tunnel’s coming up. Let me off!
Sorry Ma’am …. Once you are on the C-train you gotta go through the tunnel. You can get off at the other end. Yes, it’s true some people don’t get off… but most people do get to the other side. You gotta keep that in mind. I hear it’s real pretty at the other end, too. I’ve heard some folks say it’s even prettier than the view from the A- train… something about getting a different perspective, a different viewpoint.
But I didn’t buy a ticket on this train! I didn’t choose this! I wanna go back to the A train!
Ma’am … no one ever chooses the C-train. You just get “re-directed” . I don’t know how it works, just some folks get re-directed on the C-train, some don’t. Sorry there’s no way off the train…. You gotta just go through the tunnel and be strong!!
Oh Drat!
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